Morning Thoughts

When I woke up this morning I was shocked to see it snow. I hadn't bothered to read up on the weather since we weren't going out for New Years, I actually enjoy lounging around the house in sweats and spending a relaxing time with my family or with very close friends. The landscape is pretty; the white flakes cascade down in a sing-song pattern, and I am inspired. I love the quiet; it somehow brings peace to my soul.

We live near Philly which is known for temperature extremes. Although I joke to my husband Kevin about moving to California someday, I think we'll possibly stay on the East Coast. I do prefer a warm climate and don't particularly love winter sports just because I get cold easily. On the other hand I dislike laying on a beach. But what we do have in the area is a range of temperature and landscape which invites plenty of people and activities. New York to the north, D.C to the south, mountains further northwest and the shoreline to the east. I think I like living where I do.

My tri-color cavalier Pepper and long-haired black cat Clea get me up every morning like little kids wanting to open presents on Christmas. I sent Pepper outside the backyard this time, something I dislike doing since she tends to greet all her neighborhood friends quite loudly. I didn't feel like getting all dressed to go out in the snow. She bounded out as normal and I was glad that she wouldn't come back in bringing mud or dirt with her. The snow keeps her feet pure white and clean. Some days I am not so fortunate!

We have a few patches in the back where grass doesn't grow no matter how many times we plant seeds. Not enough light, and the dirt doesn't seem to drain as well as in other areas. We often get a muddy swamp during rain. In those times I make sure Pepper is walked outside from the front of the house. But this morning was safe--the ground was frozen solid and covered, so it wouldn't matter where she stepped. The cold had changed the ground completely.

As I made coffee, I watched Pepper living in glory through the kitchen window. I thought about the changing weather and I related it to my own life. What would it be like not to be affected by environment like my backyard is affected by short drops in temperature and slight trickles of rain? What would it take to allow me to walk in stability, without doubting, getting anxious, fearful, or depressed? Why do my emotions tend to go up and down based on what's around me? Why am I not steady enough to consider myself like others, unwavering, strong and faithful--even after over 20 years of surrender to God?

I've been reading over and over about the life of David, a true man after God's own heart, and often related his life to my own. Not so much that I would be king (haha) but in the sense that I can relate so easily to his thoughts, acts of faith and purpose, victories and failures. Of all the prophets and great men and women of God, it is David who brings me closest to the Father. King David lived a life with many difficulties. He fled from the anger of Saul and hid in the wilderness for years to escape death. Some of the Psalms reflect his anguish, pain and sorrow through these times. Although he led great campaigns of victory for Israel, was king for 40 years and established the preparations for the building of the temple, no one can ever tell me he didn't get extremely depressed and fearful.

A short time ago I was watching a preacher talk about outward joy and how we should always be smiling because it is a refection of our trust and faith in God. I appreciated what he said. While it's true that when we have inner joy it shows on the outside. But this isn't always the case. I am a naturally melancholic person. I am never the life of the party, and I prefer to be quiet and to listen. I am on the shy side and was always turned off by very loud, brash people. I love getting together with others but oftentimes find myself becoming exhausted instead of invigorated after a few hours. There is lots to say about outward joy, and this is important in the life of every believer, because it is through outward joy, among other things, that people are drawn to the believer. But I can't help but to think how deeply melancholic I can be.

I know I have joy. Joy is a deep down assurance that God is in control, no matter what happens on the outside. Joy, to me, is not outward but inward. It's a hope and trust in only one source, not a result of our circumstances. That, to me, is happiness, not joy. But maybe I have a problem. I am so affected by circumstances that I easily get discouraged or at least down. I often hear how people rise above circumstances in a heartbeat. Why, so often, is this difficult for me? Is this a lack of faith, or how I'm wired? I hope to figure it out someday.

I created an angelic character named Ramvis who is always in emotional pain. Although part of me wrestles with his nature of sadness while being in Heaven and in constant communion with God, I sometimes feel that it's contradictory. How can an angel be in a constant state of sadness when they are surrounded by the LORD Most High himself? What kind of message am I sending?

I created Ramvis for a purpose after someone wrote to me about her constant sadness. She is a believer, but because of emotional trauma, somehow the joy of life escaped her. I know many people like her, and sometimes related to her pain myself. I'm much better now (still a work in progress), but I remember always walking with my head down while growing up. People would come up to me at school and tell me to "Smile!" I hated hearing that. I really did. But I smiled just because they told me to, not because I wanted to. They had no clue what was happening in my life, so I had a right not to smile.

But the name Ramvis is taken from the ram, the animal God used as a sacrifice instead of Isaac in Genesis 22. Abraham, who was about to take his son Isaac's life out of obedience, who was in anguish to do what he was commanded, saw a ram caught in the bushes after an angel stopped him from his sacrifice. He used the ram instead.

Gen. 22:14:
So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided." (NIV)

So Ramvis is a picture of God's provision through God's mercy. His nature proclaims the mercy of God as people cry out to God in anguish. God hears, provides, and gives us hope. I can't imagine living without a God like this.

So now Pepper is inside, she has been for awhile, and she sleeps peacefully on our couch. The snow has stopped falling during the time I was writing this note. I hear it's going to rain. Despite how much I want to believe I will be okay, that everything will be okay, and that even though the rain will mess up my backyard again, my heart will remain joyful. I may not always show it, and I may not always be smiling, but deep down He knows my heart.