My family had been in transition after some difficulties over the last 5 or so weeks. Although things have been crazy lately with much uncertainty, there also has been such blessing because of them. Life isn't perfect. How can I expect anything at all when nothing is guaranteed except God's promises?
During this time, I had been working for the Intermediate Unit over the last few months not by choice, but by necessity. Although I applied for this particular job (10 page application and a long interview with testing), I was hired after a few months of making sure all my forms were in, including a new child abuse clearance, criminal history check, and a few fingerprint records since the first few batches weren't "accepted" (I'm human, I tell you). I did miss being back in the classroom, and although working with autistic students and kids with special needs has its challenges, it's very rewarding. But working outside the home was not what I had in mind after I left my last job at a charter school last June. I wanted to believe that I wouldn't have to go back to work again, since my heart's desire is to do comics. Let me rephrase that--my life's calling and passion outside being a wife and mom. The fact I had to go back felt like it would nearly kill me.
About this morning, I had asked to be placed as an on-call sub, meaning if they needed me in any capacity from elementary to high school, I'd be available 3x/week. Fridays I work somewhere else, and I felt I needed Tuesdays off just to catch up with anything at home including art if I had the chance. I'm grateful to be earning consistently as our family needs have changed, but I think my heart has sunk to an all-time low. I can't help trying desperately to remember God's promises to me, and had to reread pages from my documented journal entries from prior months and years. Although circumstances may change, our Father never does.
This particular morning I knew I'd be called in; I had asked God for a day off which He gave to me on Wednesday so I expected a phone call to come in the following day (today). For the past few weeks I worked all over 4 districts, and the only school I didn't want to go back to was a certain high school where most of the students looked like linebackers. I'm serious, I think they eat growth hormones for lunch. When I worked in this unit a few weeks back, I felt like I did everything wrong, and the head teacher kept confirming that fact. I never felt so useless and unskilled. This woman kept correcting me, but I plugged away with each student in the best way that I knew how. I was glad when school finally let out and hoped I would never see that teacher again.
As I was preparing for a phone call early this morning, I had asked God to place me wherever He wanted me to be, or felt I needed to be on this particular day. Anywhere, except to that particular school. (I can ask, can't I?) I had very positive experiences at other locations, so I hoped to be somewhere a little less stressful. As God would have it, I was asked to go to *** again of all places in 8 districts I signed up to work for.
I didn't say much as I hung up the phone, and calmly prepared myself to be corrected all day long by this particular teacher. Figures. But that's how my life has been going lately. One big slap in the face after another.
I think I scared the teacher as I walked into class. Behind her polite smile was a look of utter horror, and I took my place beside a few of the students to supervise their work and behavior. Better get it over with, I kept telling myself. To my surprise, she left and was gone all morning (YEY!!) and I relaxed a ton while helping the students and getting to know the other teachers in the room. Just before lunchtime, she came back (NO!!) but I managed to pull through the day unbattered (sort of) and counted the minutes until school was over. I must have checked the clock a million times to find it was going backwards.
I sighed with relief as I drove home. Things just haven't been going my way lately; although I try to understand God's purposes still, I just can't figure them out. I can't figure out why I keep going in circles like Israel wandering in the desert. I check every area of my life to see what part of me is not right with God, if I'm sinning or being unfaithful. I always ask to be refined and to be pure; to be what HE wants me to be. I want to use what He's given me to honor Him with, but I have to be honest and say that I still don't fully understand His ways. I want so much to reflect Jesus, but still find myself barely clinging to my hopes and dreams. Why? Still? Again? I just don't understand.
Last night I had wanted some answers for certain things (some old, some new). I was exhausted because of the time and tears and couldn't sleep. I laid my Bible on the floor by the bathroom with the door slightly open to get some reading light. The book was opened to James 5:7
Patience in Suffering
7Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. 8You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near. 9Don't grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door! 10Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. 11As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
So I keep going, even though I don't know all the answers. I hope to be a fast learner so I don't keep dragging my feet through all that sand and slow myself down even more.
On a side note, there was some down time today in class so I picked up a tiny dictionary and prayed over the words God would give me, if He wanted to speak to me. The first word was "learned" (not learn, btw), then "pulpit". I'm not quite sure what it means, but I hope to find out someday.
Hey Lisa. I know what it's like being in the middle of chaos. ^^; I'm graduating and also going through some really tough personal stuff right now. However I was reading my devo the other day and I came across Proverbs 23:18 - "You will be rewarded for this; your hope will not be disappointed." That really hit home with me. I actually almost started crying. The "this" the verse refers to is the Fear of the Lord but the power of the bible is that it is the LIVING Word. I hope this verse helps you. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Deanna, I will write it down. May God bless you with His presence...T.T
ReplyDeleteWe love you so much, Lisa...I don't know why we "run in circles" and are in the desert for so long. Moses had to wait so many years to see his promise of a son come to pass. Life is not easy, but Jesus' yoke is easy, His burden light. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers, and may you see ALL the fruits of your labor and may the Lord favor you as he answers ALL of your prayers!!! Your kids are a delight to us!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Rita! Life sure has its uncertainties; if we got everything we wanted in life when we asked, we'd be totally different ppl. I'm so glad our kids are safe in your hands right now! God bless you so much, and I hope to see you soon!!!
ReplyDeleteHey Lisa, I been meaning to write to you since I read this blog and I think one option I don't know if you have done is praying against hindrances and the plans of the enemy on your ministry. It's time to fight. I think you're right about you being right before God and I know if that is covered then most likey Satan is attacking the blessing and plan of God. And Satan will atack anything and everything in our lives and those around us. I say this due to my experience and others. I think we forget that what we do is very powerful for God's kingdom. There is an untapped harvest of souls in the manga, comics, animation, superheroes, etc. culture. And Satan would like nothing better than to keep the unsaved occupied with demonic anime and fantasy and secular comics. I just see that is why it has been difficult for Christian comics to break through-We're battling Satan head on. I've been trying to find another printer due to my current printer
ReplyDeleteissues and I submitted my book to this other printer and a few days later this printer was hacked and it caused a delay, but my wife and I prayed against the demonic force behind it and the delay ceased. I don't thibk it was a coincidence. Mainly, I'm just trying to enourage you to war against our foe. I don't know if you speak in tounges, but doing so can release God's power since it's your spirit praying directly to God. I've been praying for you and will continue to do so. Thanks for being an inspiration as an artist, creator and Christian.
Yes, Melchizedek! Thank you for your post and prayers, I'm so appreciative. We've had some strange things happening (quickly, too) so we feel like we're being thrown for a loop. We either can run from Satan in fear and defeat or face him head on which is why it's so important to have prayer coverage! I do speak in tongues and am trying to make this a normal practice, thanks for the encouragement. I do believe we'll get out of this hole, thanks so much from the bottom of my heart. Iron sharpens iron, and faith moves mountains. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa, this is my first time really reading and posting at your blog. Hang in there, you're on the right track. We all must take a daily inventory of our lives, and ask the Lord how we can better live for Him and through Him. Your heart sounds in the right place. Just keep patiently seeking His will, and be encouraged.
ReplyDeleteHere's a verse the Lord brought to my attention yesterday and I made it my desktop wallpaper (From http://www.c28.com):
Philippians 4: 5-7
"Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving. present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Have a great day!
- Allen aka Due East
Allen! Thanks much for stopping here, what a surprise! I love your site and just listened to your podcast; how inspirational. I love the fact that your comic makes ppl think about spiritual things without hitting them over the head. You'd really get along with my partner Shaina. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments and scripture, things are moving forward and I have been giving everything over to God. Some doors opened, some closed. But lots of promises (and grace) which is what I cling to most of all. Thanks again!